My Rainbow is Here

It has been so long since I last wrote but my rainbow baby is here...and has been for 2 months.

Nate Jr

7/10/15

8 lbs 8 oz | 20.5 in

I look at him and can't believe that at 43 years old I was able to give birth to a healthy, beautiful baby boy. I struggle still to not question why the same was not true for my angel Lila but I have to believe that there is a plan and this was part of it.

Life has changed a lot since he arrived.  Our home has always been pretty crazy with 5 other kids but now we have a baby and it is a big difference.  The 2 youngest are no longer the babies of the house and I think that has been a bit of an adjustment for them.  Luckily the kids have all been pretty helpful and love him.

When I found out I was pregnant my first reaction was a little bit excitement but a ton of fear. Although I felt pretty good throughout my pregnancy it was the most stressful one I have ever had.  Every appointment, ultra sound and test I worried that something would be wrong.  But getting through it and holding him in my arms has truly given me a sense of peace and love.  He has brought a lot of healing to my heart. 

After losing Lila my husband was ready to get a vasectomy but I was not.  I asked him to wait just a bit till I was OK with not having another baby.  I was just about at that place when I found out I was pregnant.  After we got over the shock we were both absolutely thrilled to be having a baby. He truly is a gift to us. Our family is now complete.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

So here is the next chapter in my life....

Tuesday, November 11th

I realized according to my p tracker app that I was 4 days late. That is odd but heck, I'm 43 years old, early menopause maybe? I decided to pick up a test just in case. Before I took it I remember thinking...this is going to be a complete waste of a good test. Well, we received a big (potentially life changing) surprise....

Yes, that is a positive pregnancy test!  Holy s&$@!  This was completely unexpected.  My mind started racing.....I'm 43 old.  What were we thinking? Although, it's not like we were trying.  How did this happen?  I mean, I know but still.  And I am on drugs - Anti depressants and ADD meds. I drink alcohol...and caffeine....both probably more than I should.  I haven't been taking any vitamins. And let's not forget about what happened last time.

Deep breaths.

Ok, instead of calling my husband, I texted him...

Don't judge me - we both hate the phone.

Turns out, he was excited. Scared but excited. It's a baby and I have a good feeling about this, is what he said.  And he brought this home.  

A monkey for our monkey.  Love that man.

Immediately, took the vitamins and no more meds, caffeine or cocktails.  This is going to be super fun. 

Friday, November 11

After several days off my medications I was in pretty bad shape.  Luckily, I had an appointment already scheduled with my therapist for today.  I was a mess.  No hope, overwhelmed, feeling like I had the flu (withdrawal symptoms from one of the medications) etc.  She gave me some good news.  She "hoped" the symptoms would pass by Monday. That would be great.  She also reminded me to take it one day at a time.  Don't look so far ahead as that can be so overwhelming to your mind and that won't help my body feel better.  

So, that is what I am going to do.  I am going to focus on feeling better.  I am going to take my vitamins and be as healthy as I can be.  That is all I can do for this baby and myself, right?

Sunday, November 13

This girl is feeling so much better.  Thank G-O-D.  I could not go 9 months feeling like that.  Yuck.  My mood is still up and down (sorry honey) but physically I'm feeling so much better.

I indulged in hope today.  Hope that this pregnancy might turn into an actual baby.  This baby would be considered a Rainbow Baby.  What is a rainbow baby you may ask? It is a baby born after a loss of a previous child.  

Fast Forward.........

Wednesday, March 25th, 2015
I am now almost 24 weeks along with a due date on July 17, 2015.  The past few months have been nerve wracking.  I took many tests to be sure the baby was ok.  NT Scan - perfect.  MaterniT21 - normal.   AFP test - negative.  And too many ultrasounds to count.  All NORMAL :-)

First Appointment

Perinatal office
Our appointment here was exactly 2 years to the day that we went in and got the terrible news about Lila.  We were nervous but the baby measured normal.

...and we are having a boy!

Here I am at 20 weeks. 

Getting here has been really scary but I am feeling so good about where I am now.  At my age we would not have tried for another.  We are just lucky that God or the universe had other plans for us. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Did you know that October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day?  I didn't know there was such a thing until I became the 1 in 4  who has experienced a loss like this.  It certainly isn't fun being the '1'  but it is nice to know that I am not alone.

With every day, week, month that takes me further away from the day my daughter was born/died I heal a little bit more but I never forget her.  I see kids that are the age she would be and I think of her. How my life would be different, better, with her in it.  My kids still think about her too.  We go to Target a lot (did I say a lot!)  and they just have the cutest baby girl clothes, right?  My daughter Olivia often comments "Lila would have worn that" or "Lila would have been cute in that".  And she doesn't say it in a sad way but in a sweet, honest way.   And I just give her a hug and reply "Yes, she would have, Liv."

When I was pregnant with Lila, the day before I went in for the ultrasound that would tell us if she was ok or not, i saw a psychic (I know, a little out there).  I asked her what she could see with my daughter.  She said she did not see anything bad. She was strong, protected. She saw my daughter as being my best friend and that she would be with me till my end.  Of course, that was not true for Lila but what I came to believe is that perhaps what the psychic was seeing was my relationship with my beautiful daughter, Olivia.

On this October 15th, I ask that you take a moment to remember those who have experienced a loss like this.  And if you are a '1' know that you are not alone.  And maybe share your story with others - friends, family, coworkers.  You never know, you may be helping another '1' heal.

~Christine

  

What If

Happy Friday!  It's taken me about a week to think about the topic of this post and figure out what I wanted to write so here it goes...

July 11th...

I was sitting in the dentist office filling out paperwork.  While filling out forms I came across the date field, hmm what is today?  It was July 11th....7/11. July 11th was my due date.  It hit me that if Lila would have been born she would be a year old.  Wow, how different life would be with a one year old!

What if...

Even though I have come to a place of peace and acceptance on losing her, on anniversary dates like this I tend to think about the what ifs...
What if she would have been healthy like all our other kids?
What if we had opted to continue with the pregnancy only to have her die in my arms at birth?
What if her prenatal diagnosis was not fatal but she was able to live with disabilities?
What if I had never been pregnant with her at all?

Is one easier than another....

I have read many stories from women who have terminated their pregnancies for various medical reasons. I remember t a women talking about the topic of a "Gray Diagnosis" meaning, it was not fatal, the child could live but with disabilities.   She had a gray diagnosis and wished it would have been fatal, as making the decision to terminate may have been easier.  I had a fatal diagnosis and honestly, I'm not sure it was easier.  I prayed (begged/pleaded) for God to take my baby, to not have to make a decision.  He did not.

Then there are women who miscarry and just wish they could have carried their child longer.  Or the mothers that go to their 20+ week check up only to find out the babies heart stopped beating. Unfortunately, all of these scenarios SUCK. Bad.  I doubt one way of losing a baby is easier than another...just different.

As mother's all we want is for our children to be ok. We want to take care of them, protect them from pain and we will do anything we can for them....even before they are born.

Support...
People have been very kind to me and supportive of my decision for Lila.  In the beginning of this journey I did not want to talk about it but when I started opening up, it was amazing how many women have experienced this loss.  Knowing that others are in the same boat is sad but in a strange way comforting.  If you are just starting this journey, when/if you are ready, I encourage you to talk about it.  Please don't keep the feelings in.  You may never know who you are helping by sharing your story.

  

~Christine

As Time Goes By~

Why Hello....
Gosh, it's been a while since I have written.  I guess I have been spending more time living instead of being stuck in the past.  A good thing, right?  So much has happened.

The school year ended....

We have one going to middle school next year and 4 that will be in elementary school (same school) together, including a new Kindergartner (CJ pictured at his Pre-K Culmination)...

Time goes by so fast!  CJ, my youngest, turned 5 in April.  He still has the smallest amount of baby face left.  I cherish the moments when he is peacefully asleep and I can really see that sweet, softness in his face.


Vacay...
I took an extended vacation to my home state of Michigan.  There is something so soothing and comforting about being home.  I love taking my kids to the places I have enjoyed in my childhood and seeing it new, through their eyes.

Kids on Lake Superior (there was still some ice way out there!)...

I have to mention that while we were on vacation there were many times when we would see beautiful butterflies floating near us.  Of course it warmed my heart to think that Lila's spirit was with us.

Time after time...
I am about a year and a half out from losing Lila Rose and it's hard to believe but I feel almost normal.  Don't get me wrong, it has been a long road...lots of work for sure with many ups and downs!  ...but as women who have been through this before told me,.it does get better.  If you are reading this and you have been through what I have been through...know that it will get better.  In time, life does go on.  I don't regret the pain I experienced or the sadness.  It honestly pushed me to become a better person.  To deal with past issues, to face fears and to survive.  I feel like I also appreciate things so much more now.

I know I would not be doing as well as I am if it were not for my husband.  He has been so patient, supportive and understanding as he went through all of my ups and downs while dealing with his own. I feel very blessed to have this man in my life...

We will be celebrating our anniversary very soon. 

Happy Anniversary, My love!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's day to all Mothers...

Reality TV and Babies

G and B...

Does anyone watch “Giuliana and Bill” on E!?  I do and I watched it last night.  I really like them mainly because Giuliana is a trooper!!  She has been through a lot.... infertility issues, miscarriage and breast cancer.  Sister deserves a break! 

Baby #2...

Last night’s episode was focused on their desire to have a second child using a gestational carrier (the same one they used with their first baby).  I think this is a wonderful option for people who struggle to have a child.  How amazing these women are that become gestational carriers! Right? 

Reality..

After having been through what I went through with Lila, I could not help but think….how would they handle it?  I mean, this is all being taped and of course they can edit it how they want, but what if there is something wrong with the baby?  I wonder if they would put that on TV?  Not so much the happy ending but a reality for some.

Innocence...

I miss my thoughts about pregnancy BL (before Lila).  I miss being excited instead of scared when I hear someone is pregnant or thinking about having a baby.  I miss my innocence of knowing that things can go very wrong. 

My Angel...

I do believe everything happens for a reason.  I can look back on my experience and be thankful, if not feel blessed for having her.  But it still hurts. I still long for her to be healthy.  I am sure wherever her beautiful soul is she is healthy.