Emotional Drama Mama

Recovery...
I really don't want this blog to be all doom and gloom but I feel it is important to write on the emotional recovery I went through after losing my baby.  I have been working on this post for a couple of days trying to find the right words.  Hopefully they will come.

I think, no matter how you lose a child, it is devastating.  Trauma.  As a mother, our instinct is to protect our kiddos and when they are lost...we feel lost.  When I lost Lila the emotional pain I felt was overwhelming. There were days I could not get out of bed.  That sadness was long and deep.  I can remember my husband and Mom trying to help me and all I wanted to do was stay in bed.  Depression.

Back to Normal...
After a couple of weeks I went back to work.  I wanted to get back to normal.  I wanted the bad feelings to just go away and to find my normal life.  Unfortunately, going back to work reminded me of being pregnant. Of all the dreams for my sweet baby girl.

It seemed the more I pushed for my normal life the more I was brought back to the sharp pain and sadness of my loss.  My grief.  After one particularly difficult night, when I just longed to be where my baby was, to make the pain stop, I realized that my life was in danger.  I have 5 other kids, a husband and many family members here on Earth that needed me.  I had to find a way to deal with this and I needed HELP.

Help Needed...
I reached out to my OB, Dr G (Love her!).  She had told me about a therapist that dealt with my type of loss.  I made an appointment immediately -- out of network but I did not care.  I saw her the next day and she was the help I needed, at that moment.  She changed my medication (much needed in this case) and she gave me some great ideas on processing this.  Get a beautiful journal and write to her.  Put her ashes in a special place in our home.  She also reminded me of how hard this was on my husband.  She told me that I should try and limit how much I talked about this with him because from his standpoint, he feels helpless - he cannot fix this and that is what men want to do - fix things.

I really did my homework because I wanted to get better.  I started walking a little - where I would find beautiful butterflies along the way.  In the beginning, this would make me cry but I think I needed to get the tears out.  I needed to grieve.

As time went on I continued seeing my therapist.  I actually saw 2.  I also saw a Medium.  Jamie.  I'm sure many people don't believe but when you feel lost you look for hope.  My mom and I met with him and the best thing he could have said...he said.  He told us my grandfather was present and that he said they had the baby like I had asked.  Not gonna lie, that gave me some peace.

Better Days...
Over the next few months I would have some good, practically normal days but still some really bad ones. This went on until October 2013.  In October one of my therapists recommended a review the medication I was taking.  We did that and she decided to make a change to what I was taking -- which helped a lot.  I started to have many more days that were good.

Now, a year later, I am feeling pretty darn close to normal.  I know I had to go through the whole process to get better.  Time healed me....along with the love and support of my friends and family.  Especially my amazing Husband.  He is my world and I am so blessed to have him.

I want to conclude by mentioning that when you lose your pregnancy it is a loss.  You may not have known your child or held them but they were real.  So is the loss.  Allow yourself the time to grieve.  You may want to be back to normal right now but give it some time. Get the help you need. And you will get through it.

~Christine