For My Mom

Today is the anniversary of my mom’s death.  I can’t believe I have been 365 days without her.  After the initial shock of her illness and death wore off, I immediately realized life as I knew it would never be the same.  Time became known to me as before this and after.

Over this year I realized my mom was the glue that held the family together.   She was how my sister and I knew what was going on with my dad, aunts and uncles and cousins.  Without her, we are a bit lost.  I live far from my family so I sometimes feel forgotten.

I was reminded of all the ways she made time with her so special.  Every year we spent part of the summer with her in Michigan and she would take us all over the state.  She loved taking my kids to the lake, the park, the dollar store and so many other places.  She just spent time with them and loved them up every chance she got.  My youngest was only about 3 months when she passed away and my heart breaks knowing that he will not remember her. 

I also lost my biggest fan. My mom was the only person who cared about everything going on with me.  She cared about my day, my concerns, what I had for lunch, my health, my life, my kids….she believed in me and loved me unconditionally.  I know how special that was and how lucky I was to have that in her.  Even now, a year later, I still reach for the phone to text or call her.

I have learned a lot about grief....A lot more than I would have liked to, to be honest.  I realized that no one can take this pain away. No one can tell me how to deal with it.  Grief is an incredibly personal journey that we each take in our own way and in our own time.  I am not done grieving and I may never be.

  

I can honestly say that my mind still has not accepted that I will never see her again.  I really don’t think I ever will accept it and maybe it is because I see her in my son’s face, in the butterflies they fly around the front of our house,  the hummingbirds and the memories I have of her.

After my mom passed away I saw rainbows everywhere.  Even now, 365 days later I still see them This is in memory of her...

Somewhere Over The Rainbow