Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Did you know that October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day?  I didn't know there was such a thing until I became the 1 in 4  who has experienced a loss like this.  It certainly isn't fun being the '1'  but it is nice to know that I am not alone.

With every day, week, month that takes me further away from the day my daughter was born/died I heal a little bit more but I never forget her.  I see kids that are the age she would be and I think of her. How my life would be different, better, with her in it.  My kids still think about her too.  We go to Target a lot (did I say a lot!)  and they just have the cutest baby girl clothes, right?  My daughter Olivia often comments "Lila would have worn that" or "Lila would have been cute in that".  And she doesn't say it in a sad way but in a sweet, honest way.   And I just give her a hug and reply "Yes, she would have, Liv."

When I was pregnant with Lila, the day before I went in for the ultrasound that would tell us if she was ok or not, i saw a psychic (I know, a little out there).  I asked her what she could see with my daughter.  She said she did not see anything bad. She was strong, protected. She saw my daughter as being my best friend and that she would be with me till my end.  Of course, that was not true for Lila but what I came to believe is that perhaps what the psychic was seeing was my relationship with my beautiful daughter, Olivia.

On this October 15th, I ask that you take a moment to remember those who have experienced a loss like this.  And if you are a '1' know that you are not alone.  And maybe share your story with others - friends, family, coworkers.  You never know, you may be helping another '1' heal.

~Christine

  

What If

Happy Friday!  It's taken me about a week to think about the topic of this post and figure out what I wanted to write so here it goes...

July 11th...

I was sitting in the dentist office filling out paperwork.  While filling out forms I came across the date field, hmm what is today?  It was July 11th....7/11. July 11th was my due date.  It hit me that if Lila would have been born she would be a year old.  Wow, how different life would be with a one year old!

What if...

Even though I have come to a place of peace and acceptance on losing her, on anniversary dates like this I tend to think about the what ifs...
What if she would have been healthy like all our other kids?
What if we had opted to continue with the pregnancy only to have her die in my arms at birth?
What if her prenatal diagnosis was not fatal but she was able to live with disabilities?
What if I had never been pregnant with her at all?

Is one easier than another....

I have read many stories from women who have terminated their pregnancies for various medical reasons. I remember t a women talking about the topic of a "Gray Diagnosis" meaning, it was not fatal, the child could live but with disabilities.   She had a gray diagnosis and wished it would have been fatal, as making the decision to terminate may have been easier.  I had a fatal diagnosis and honestly, I'm not sure it was easier.  I prayed (begged/pleaded) for God to take my baby, to not have to make a decision.  He did not.

Then there are women who miscarry and just wish they could have carried their child longer.  Or the mothers that go to their 20+ week check up only to find out the babies heart stopped beating. Unfortunately, all of these scenarios SUCK. Bad.  I doubt one way of losing a baby is easier than another...just different.

As mother's all we want is for our children to be ok. We want to take care of them, protect them from pain and we will do anything we can for them....even before they are born.

Support...
People have been very kind to me and supportive of my decision for Lila.  In the beginning of this journey I did not want to talk about it but when I started opening up, it was amazing how many women have experienced this loss.  Knowing that others are in the same boat is sad but in a strange way comforting.  If you are just starting this journey, when/if you are ready, I encourage you to talk about it.  Please don't keep the feelings in.  You may never know who you are helping by sharing your story.

  

~Christine

As Time Goes By~

Why Hello....
Gosh, it's been a while since I have written.  I guess I have been spending more time living instead of being stuck in the past.  A good thing, right?  So much has happened.

The school year ended....

We have one going to middle school next year and 4 that will be in elementary school (same school) together, including a new Kindergartner (CJ pictured at his Pre-K Culmination)...

Time goes by so fast!  CJ, my youngest, turned 5 in April.  He still has the smallest amount of baby face left.  I cherish the moments when he is peacefully asleep and I can really see that sweet, softness in his face.


Vacay...
I took an extended vacation to my home state of Michigan.  There is something so soothing and comforting about being home.  I love taking my kids to the places I have enjoyed in my childhood and seeing it new, through their eyes.

Kids on Lake Superior (there was still some ice way out there!)...

I have to mention that while we were on vacation there were many times when we would see beautiful butterflies floating near us.  Of course it warmed my heart to think that Lila's spirit was with us.

Time after time...
I am about a year and a half out from losing Lila Rose and it's hard to believe but I feel almost normal.  Don't get me wrong, it has been a long road...lots of work for sure with many ups and downs!  ...but as women who have been through this before told me,.it does get better.  If you are reading this and you have been through what I have been through...know that it will get better.  In time, life does go on.  I don't regret the pain I experienced or the sadness.  It honestly pushed me to become a better person.  To deal with past issues, to face fears and to survive.  I feel like I also appreciate things so much more now.

I know I would not be doing as well as I am if it were not for my husband.  He has been so patient, supportive and understanding as he went through all of my ups and downs while dealing with his own. I feel very blessed to have this man in my life...

We will be celebrating our anniversary very soon. 

Happy Anniversary, My love!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's day to all Mothers...

Reality TV and Babies

G and B...

Does anyone watch “Giuliana and Bill” on E!?  I do and I watched it last night.  I really like them mainly because Giuliana is a trooper!!  She has been through a lot.... infertility issues, miscarriage and breast cancer.  Sister deserves a break! 

Baby #2...

Last night’s episode was focused on their desire to have a second child using a gestational carrier (the same one they used with their first baby).  I think this is a wonderful option for people who struggle to have a child.  How amazing these women are that become gestational carriers! Right? 

Reality..

After having been through what I went through with Lila, I could not help but think….how would they handle it?  I mean, this is all being taped and of course they can edit it how they want, but what if there is something wrong with the baby?  I wonder if they would put that on TV?  Not so much the happy ending but a reality for some.

Innocence...

I miss my thoughts about pregnancy BL (before Lila).  I miss being excited instead of scared when I hear someone is pregnant or thinking about having a baby.  I miss my innocence of knowing that things can go very wrong. 

My Angel...

I do believe everything happens for a reason.  I can look back on my experience and be thankful, if not feel blessed for having her.  But it still hurts. I still long for her to be healthy.  I am sure wherever her beautiful soul is she is healthy.

Spring Break

Spring Break is here...

My kids are on Spring break.  Although we are not going anywhere, my mom is in town and they are spending lots of time with her.

 I have such great memories of spending time with both of my sets of grandparents as well as great-grandparents.  I am glad the tradition is continuing with my own kids both with my mom spending time with them in the Phoenix and summer time in Michigan.

#1 Mom...
I am blessed with an amazing mom!  I feel so lucky in that she was able to be there for the birth of both of my children.  This truly is lucky since she lives in Michigan and I am in Phoenix...lucky she made it in time.
I was very nervous about being a new mom.  My mom stayed with me for the first few weeks of my daughters life.  She had to take care of both of us.

Mother knows best...
As a child I always felt like my mom knew everything.  No matter what, she just knew what to do.  Now, being a mother myself,  I realize that no mom always knows what to do.  Right?  We just do the best we can with what we know....and hope that we are doing the least amount of damage possible.

My mom is heading back to Michigan on Monday.  This weekend will be spent swimming, going to the zoo, a soccer game and just hanging out.  We are going to soak up as much Grandma time as we can.

Stuck in Grief

Good days and bad days...

Some days are better than others could be said in general about life but the words have a deeper meaning when you have lost a child.  There are days that really feel normal.  I can appreciate my beautiful kids, my loving husband and my happy life.  But.  I seem to still have many days when I can’t find that.  The sadness of grief is still deep.   I wonder when and if that will ever pass?

Paris...

I recently went to Paris for work.  I was able to do some sightseeing and it was amazing to see these historic monuments in person…the Eiffel tower, Notre Dame, The Louvre but I couldn’t help but feel a quiet sadness when I saw mothers with their babies in strollers.  Babies that were the age Lila would have been if she were here.

Grief...

I guess after a year I realize that the grief will probably never go away but I hope, as time goes by, I am better able to deal with it.

Maybe the grief helps you appreciate all the other amazing things about life and the experience of loving the child that never lived in this world.

Happy Valentine's Day

Wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day!

Emotional Drama Mama

Recovery...
I really don't want this blog to be all doom and gloom but I feel it is important to write on the emotional recovery I went through after losing my baby.  I have been working on this post for a couple of days trying to find the right words.  Hopefully they will come.

I think, no matter how you lose a child, it is devastating.  Trauma.  As a mother, our instinct is to protect our kiddos and when they are lost...we feel lost.  When I lost Lila the emotional pain I felt was overwhelming. There were days I could not get out of bed.  That sadness was long and deep.  I can remember my husband and Mom trying to help me and all I wanted to do was stay in bed.  Depression.

Back to Normal...
After a couple of weeks I went back to work.  I wanted to get back to normal.  I wanted the bad feelings to just go away and to find my normal life.  Unfortunately, going back to work reminded me of being pregnant. Of all the dreams for my sweet baby girl.

It seemed the more I pushed for my normal life the more I was brought back to the sharp pain and sadness of my loss.  My grief.  After one particularly difficult night, when I just longed to be where my baby was, to make the pain stop, I realized that my life was in danger.  I have 5 other kids, a husband and many family members here on Earth that needed me.  I had to find a way to deal with this and I needed HELP.

Help Needed...
I reached out to my OB, Dr G (Love her!).  She had told me about a therapist that dealt with my type of loss.  I made an appointment immediately -- out of network but I did not care.  I saw her the next day and she was the help I needed, at that moment.  She changed my medication (much needed in this case) and she gave me some great ideas on processing this.  Get a beautiful journal and write to her.  Put her ashes in a special place in our home.  She also reminded me of how hard this was on my husband.  She told me that I should try and limit how much I talked about this with him because from his standpoint, he feels helpless - he cannot fix this and that is what men want to do - fix things.

I really did my homework because I wanted to get better.  I started walking a little - where I would find beautiful butterflies along the way.  In the beginning, this would make me cry but I think I needed to get the tears out.  I needed to grieve.

As time went on I continued seeing my therapist.  I actually saw 2.  I also saw a Medium.  Jamie.  I'm sure many people don't believe but when you feel lost you look for hope.  My mom and I met with him and the best thing he could have said...he said.  He told us my grandfather was present and that he said they had the baby like I had asked.  Not gonna lie, that gave me some peace.

Better Days...
Over the next few months I would have some good, practically normal days but still some really bad ones. This went on until October 2013.  In October one of my therapists recommended a review the medication I was taking.  We did that and she decided to make a change to what I was taking -- which helped a lot.  I started to have many more days that were good.

Now, a year later, I am feeling pretty darn close to normal.  I know I had to go through the whole process to get better.  Time healed me....along with the love and support of my friends and family.  Especially my amazing Husband.  He is my world and I am so blessed to have him.

I want to conclude by mentioning that when you lose your pregnancy it is a loss.  You may not have known your child or held them but they were real.  So is the loss.  Allow yourself the time to grieve.  You may want to be back to normal right now but give it some time. Get the help you need. And you will get through it.

~Christine

To Try Again or Not..That is the Question

Blessings...
Nate and I are blessed.  Really.  We have 5 kids between us.  Five.  That is a lot and we are really lucky in that they all get along pretty well. We have them 50% of the time so it is either complete chaos in our house when they are all there or too quiet when it is just the two of us.

Picture: first day of school.  This year all 5 are going to the same Elementary School!

Too Quiet Around Here...
It's at those quiet times when the thought of having another baby creeps into my head.  I know, it's a crazy thought with what we went through with Lila, and then the fact that we do have many other healthy kids, but I still dream of sweet baby smells, holding them, when they fall asleep in your arms...all of it equals heaven!

Miss O, my first baby.

Thank Heavens for BabyCenter...
When I was going through the loss of Lila I spent a lot of time on a website called BabyCenter (babycenter.com).  They have several groups there for women who have terminated for medical reasons.  Those groups have been a lifesaver for me in many ways.  There is one group for women Expecting after terminating for medical reasons.  I am what is called a lurker on that board.  I am not a member but I read their stories.  I understand their fears that something again could go wrong.  I pray for them when they post that they are awaiting test results or got bad test results and I am so happy for them when they end up with a completely healthy baby.

The Question...
The question is, how do you know if it is worth it to try for another?  Or when you should just hang it up and appreciate what you have?  I don't have much time left to decide - I am 42 years old.
In reproductive terms, I am way into advanced maternal age (that starts at 35).  But I have a little hope that there are still some good eggs in there.   Maybe I just have to get my husband on board :-)

~Christine

Angelversary

Angelversary...

Today is Lila Rose's angelversary. In some ways I can not believe it has been a year since we lost her.  In others, it seems like only yesterday I was pregnant with her. 

Over this year, I have tried to figure out why this happened to us. I have seen therapists, spiritually healers, intuitives, mediums and psychics....all to help me deal with this and figure it out. Honestly, the greatest healer has been time. 

Conclusions...

I have concluded that Lila was never supposed to be on this earth. Her journey was to experience the love I/we felt for her when she was inside me. And I think her purpose was to make Nate and I a family. 

She allowed us to put away our fears of blending both families and just focus on becoming one. And you know what, it was the most amazing gift. Merging our family has been, dare I say, easy.  Of course there have been ups and downs but I feel like our kids are truly happy.

And even though she is not physically with us she is still a big part of our family.

For Lila.....

Lila Rose, Please know you are so loved and missed. 

~Christine