What If

Happy Friday!  It's taken me about a week to think about the topic of this post and figure out what I wanted to write so here it goes...

July 11th...

I was sitting in the dentist office filling out paperwork.  While filling out forms I came across the date field, hmm what is today?  It was July 11th....7/11. July 11th was my due date.  It hit me that if Lila would have been born she would be a year old.  Wow, how different life would be with a one year old!

What if...

Even though I have come to a place of peace and acceptance on losing her, on anniversary dates like this I tend to think about the what ifs...
What if she would have been healthy like all our other kids?
What if we had opted to continue with the pregnancy only to have her die in my arms at birth?
What if her prenatal diagnosis was not fatal but she was able to live with disabilities?
What if I had never been pregnant with her at all?

Is one easier than another....

I have read many stories from women who have terminated their pregnancies for various medical reasons. I remember t a women talking about the topic of a "Gray Diagnosis" meaning, it was not fatal, the child could live but with disabilities.   She had a gray diagnosis and wished it would have been fatal, as making the decision to terminate may have been easier.  I had a fatal diagnosis and honestly, I'm not sure it was easier.  I prayed (begged/pleaded) for God to take my baby, to not have to make a decision.  He did not.

Then there are women who miscarry and just wish they could have carried their child longer.  Or the mothers that go to their 20+ week check up only to find out the babies heart stopped beating. Unfortunately, all of these scenarios SUCK. Bad.  I doubt one way of losing a baby is easier than another...just different.

As mother's all we want is for our children to be ok. We want to take care of them, protect them from pain and we will do anything we can for them....even before they are born.

Support...
People have been very kind to me and supportive of my decision for Lila.  In the beginning of this journey I did not want to talk about it but when I started opening up, it was amazing how many women have experienced this loss.  Knowing that others are in the same boat is sad but in a strange way comforting.  If you are just starting this journey, when/if you are ready, I encourage you to talk about it.  Please don't keep the feelings in.  You may never know who you are helping by sharing your story.

  

~Christine