Happy Valentine's Day

Wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day!

Emotional Drama Mama

Recovery...
I really don't want this blog to be all doom and gloom but I feel it is important to write on the emotional recovery I went through after losing my baby.  I have been working on this post for a couple of days trying to find the right words.  Hopefully they will come.

I think, no matter how you lose a child, it is devastating.  Trauma.  As a mother, our instinct is to protect our kiddos and when they are lost...we feel lost.  When I lost Lila the emotional pain I felt was overwhelming. There were days I could not get out of bed.  That sadness was long and deep.  I can remember my husband and Mom trying to help me and all I wanted to do was stay in bed.  Depression.

Back to Normal...
After a couple of weeks I went back to work.  I wanted to get back to normal.  I wanted the bad feelings to just go away and to find my normal life.  Unfortunately, going back to work reminded me of being pregnant. Of all the dreams for my sweet baby girl.

It seemed the more I pushed for my normal life the more I was brought back to the sharp pain and sadness of my loss.  My grief.  After one particularly difficult night, when I just longed to be where my baby was, to make the pain stop, I realized that my life was in danger.  I have 5 other kids, a husband and many family members here on Earth that needed me.  I had to find a way to deal with this and I needed HELP.

Help Needed...
I reached out to my OB, Dr G (Love her!).  She had told me about a therapist that dealt with my type of loss.  I made an appointment immediately -- out of network but I did not care.  I saw her the next day and she was the help I needed, at that moment.  She changed my medication (much needed in this case) and she gave me some great ideas on processing this.  Get a beautiful journal and write to her.  Put her ashes in a special place in our home.  She also reminded me of how hard this was on my husband.  She told me that I should try and limit how much I talked about this with him because from his standpoint, he feels helpless - he cannot fix this and that is what men want to do - fix things.

I really did my homework because I wanted to get better.  I started walking a little - where I would find beautiful butterflies along the way.  In the beginning, this would make me cry but I think I needed to get the tears out.  I needed to grieve.

As time went on I continued seeing my therapist.  I actually saw 2.  I also saw a Medium.  Jamie.  I'm sure many people don't believe but when you feel lost you look for hope.  My mom and I met with him and the best thing he could have said...he said.  He told us my grandfather was present and that he said they had the baby like I had asked.  Not gonna lie, that gave me some peace.

Better Days...
Over the next few months I would have some good, practically normal days but still some really bad ones. This went on until October 2013.  In October one of my therapists recommended a review the medication I was taking.  We did that and she decided to make a change to what I was taking -- which helped a lot.  I started to have many more days that were good.

Now, a year later, I am feeling pretty darn close to normal.  I know I had to go through the whole process to get better.  Time healed me....along with the love and support of my friends and family.  Especially my amazing Husband.  He is my world and I am so blessed to have him.

I want to conclude by mentioning that when you lose your pregnancy it is a loss.  You may not have known your child or held them but they were real.  So is the loss.  Allow yourself the time to grieve.  You may want to be back to normal right now but give it some time. Get the help you need. And you will get through it.

~Christine

To Try Again or Not..That is the Question

Blessings...
Nate and I are blessed.  Really.  We have 5 kids between us.  Five.  That is a lot and we are really lucky in that they all get along pretty well. We have them 50% of the time so it is either complete chaos in our house when they are all there or too quiet when it is just the two of us.

Picture: first day of school.  This year all 5 are going to the same Elementary School!

Too Quiet Around Here...
It's at those quiet times when the thought of having another baby creeps into my head.  I know, it's a crazy thought with what we went through with Lila, and then the fact that we do have many other healthy kids, but I still dream of sweet baby smells, holding them, when they fall asleep in your arms...all of it equals heaven!

Miss O, my first baby.

Thank Heavens for BabyCenter...
When I was going through the loss of Lila I spent a lot of time on a website called BabyCenter (babycenter.com).  They have several groups there for women who have terminated for medical reasons.  Those groups have been a lifesaver for me in many ways.  There is one group for women Expecting after terminating for medical reasons.  I am what is called a lurker on that board.  I am not a member but I read their stories.  I understand their fears that something again could go wrong.  I pray for them when they post that they are awaiting test results or got bad test results and I am so happy for them when they end up with a completely healthy baby.

The Question...
The question is, how do you know if it is worth it to try for another?  Or when you should just hang it up and appreciate what you have?  I don't have much time left to decide - I am 42 years old.
In reproductive terms, I am way into advanced maternal age (that starts at 35).  But I have a little hope that there are still some good eggs in there.   Maybe I just have to get my husband on board :-)

~Christine

Angelversary

Angelversary...

Today is Lila Rose's angelversary. In some ways I can not believe it has been a year since we lost her.  In others, it seems like only yesterday I was pregnant with her. 

Over this year, I have tried to figure out why this happened to us. I have seen therapists, spiritually healers, intuitives, mediums and psychics....all to help me deal with this and figure it out. Honestly, the greatest healer has been time. 

Conclusions...

I have concluded that Lila was never supposed to be on this earth. Her journey was to experience the love I/we felt for her when she was inside me. And I think her purpose was to make Nate and I a family. 

She allowed us to put away our fears of blending both families and just focus on becoming one. And you know what, it was the most amazing gift. Merging our family has been, dare I say, easy.  Of course there have been ups and downs but I feel like our kids are truly happy.

And even though she is not physically with us she is still a big part of our family.

For Lila.....

Lila Rose, Please know you are so loved and missed. 

~Christine

Butterflies

Everywhere Butterflies...
Shortly after terminating I would see butterflies everywhere.  At first they were not actual butterflies but pictures, on a bag at my therapists office, on a cartoon the kids were watching, on a t-shirt my step daughter was wearing.

As I started to feel stronger I would go for walks in our neighborhood and every time I would see beautiful yellow butterflies.  They would just let me know they were there by flying near me.  Also, at our kids birthday parties or even when the kids were just out playing in the yard a big yellow butterfly was always present.  It was comforting.

Lila Rose...
This may seem crazy to many but I really started associating butterflies with her.  I felt like it was her way of letting me know she was ok.  That I did the right thing. That she was in a good place.  That she was still a part of our family and she would watch over us.

In Memory of Her...
I have never been a tattoo person.  Not that I was ever against it for other people, I just never had anything significant to have tattooed on me.  But after Lila, I wanted to have something special, in memory of her.   I would have loved to do footprints, like I know others had, but I was not fortunate enough to have a print of those, so a butterfly was an obvious choice.  I searched everywhere for just the right tattoo and I found my favorite on Pinterest.  The tattoo artist I worked with added her name to it and I put it on my right shoulder blade.

I love it.  She is always with me.

~Christine

My Story

Welcome to my Blog...
I have decided to tell my story here, in this format, in hopes that my story will help and comfort others who are going through the experience of having to terminate a much wanted pregnancy due to medical reasons.  I want to mention that I am not a writer (you will realize this as you read more) but I will do my best to tell a proper story.  So here it goes....

A little background on me..
I am a 42 year old, college educated, married, career woman.  I'm from the Midwest but I moved  to Phoenix in 2000.  I got married in 2006 and had 2 beautiful, healthy kids - O, a 7 year old girl  and C, an almost 5 year old boy.

Unfortunately, in 2012 my marriage fell apart and we divorced.  In the midst of the divorce, I connected and fell madly in love with a friend I had known for a long time.  He was going through a divorce as well.  I really felt (and still feel) like I had found my soul mate.

 In late 2012, I found out I was pregnant.  This was a big surprise but a welcomed gift.  Having both just come out of divorces, and already having 5 children between us, I was scared at the thought of another but I felt like this baby was a blessing.

And so the process of preparing for baby began...  
My first couple of OB visits were great. No issues.  My OB was clearly concerned about my age and how that can effect things but with 2 healthy babies under my belt I expected the same thing.  I did not want to do any of the genetic testing because my thought was if there was anything wrong I would not do anything about it anyway.  After talking it over with my husband, we realized that if there was something wrong it would be better to know so we could prepare.  So around 12 weeks we did the Nuchal Screening (NT) test.  This test checks your risk for having a baby with Down Syndrome or other chromosomal abnormalities as well as major congenital heart problems.  At my age the chances are high for having any of those things just based on age but when the test results were in the chances of my baby having these issues were incredibly low.  Ah, sweet relief!

Second Trimester...

Going into my second trimester I was feeling very well.  The baby was looking good, we had passed the 12 week mark so now it was time to figure out where we were going to live.  My partner and I found a beautiful home large enough to fit all the kids and with a master bedroom big enough to have the baby with us.  In early January 2013 we moved in.  Everything went really well.  The kids were so excited to be living together and looking forward to welcoming their new sister or brother.

Testing...
At one of my OB appointments they drew blood for an AFP test that I literally did not think twice about at the time.  It is a test to check for Spina Bifida and any neural tube defects.  I left that appointment after scheduling the big ultra sound (done around 17 weeks), thinking about how excited I was to finally find out what we were having!!  My excitement was short lived.  Days after taking the AFP test, my doctor called and left an urgent message to call her back and if she was not available I should talk to her nurse.  First of all, is it ever good news when the doctor calls you directly??  I was very upset and did not get in touch with her until the next evening.  She told me the results came back with a 1 in 17 chance that my baby has Spina Bifida.  I was in shock and went straight to the internet!  I focused on the posts that talked about these tests being wrong and everything being fine.  Who wouldn't, right?

Next Steps...

My doctor had called with the test results on a Thursday, my next ultra sound was not scheduled until the following Tuesday (on my daughter O's birthday).  That weekend was tough.  Filled with a lot of worry but when Tuesday came around I felt ready for whatever we were facing.  I met my partner at my doctors office. I took with me a stuffed animal my son had picked out for the baby.  

We were now in the ultra sound room ready to go.  The tech, who had been with us for all of the ultra sounds so far, started the scan.  Almost immediately, she said the head was not measuring normal.  My heart sank. Immediate tears.  She went on to measure everything she could of our daughter....we were having a girl.  After the ultra sound, we were guided to an exam room far from all the other exam rooms we had normally gone to.  My doctor came in and gently told us the bad news.  The baby was missing part of her skull so her brain was growing outside of it.  She appeared to be missing a kidney and it looked like she had a severe neural tube defect.  She said this was a fatal diagnosis but she wanted us to see a Perinatologist and have a Level II ultra sound to confirm.  I was in shock.  Heartbroken. Devastated. I already loved this baby. She was my daughter.  I never imagined this could happen.

Level II ultra sound...

After a sleepless, tearful night, we went for our Level II ultra sound.  The office was lovely...especially if you are looking forward to having a beautiful baby...not so much if you already know your baby is very, very sick.  They were kind to us and brought us back to the ultra sound room.  We met with the doctor who was also kind and patient.  She left and let the technician get started.  The technician did not say a lot to us but we could see that in many areas the baby was measuring smaller than she actually was.  I just wanted to turn my head and cry but I did not.  This was MY DAUGHTER and I was going to be with her through all of this.  Once the exam was done the doctor came back and went over the scan.  She confirmed all that my doctor had seen plus, a few more things.   She had a hole in her heart, she did have 2 kidneys but 1 was not working and the other was barely working and her bladder was not functioning properly either. She said that really any one of those issues could be fatal.  My husband asked if it would be possible for a surgeon to operate on her and save her and the doctor said no. Her diagnosis was fatal.  

Options....

My husband then asked what our options were and she said, you can either terminate the pregnancy or wait for the baby to pass away and deliver her.  Wait, did she say terminate?  I have always been pro-choice but never in a million years did I think that it would be a choice I would be faced with.  I wanted the option where she is OK or has a diagnosis where she could live and have a somewhat normal life.  But, that was not an option.  We left the office, went home and rested, held each other and cried.  After much discussion and thought I knew I could not carry on with this pregnancy, waiting each day for my baby to die.  I kept thinking of this, if my child was on life support, and no amount of time or medicine was going to make her better, would I keep them on life support?  No, I would not.  I was my daughters life support and it was not fair to continue like this.  

Where do we go..

I spoke with my OB the next day and she "did not perform those procedures" but gave me the name of someone she trusted.  We hung up and before I could call that person, someone from their office called me to schedule the appointment.  The next day we went to that office.  I can only describe it as an abortion clinic.  Is there no other option for women like me?  I want this baby, this baby is not an inconvenience to me and in my sadness and grief I could not help but think that all the other women in the waiting room were there for what I deemed the wrong reasons (I am sorry for judging but I was in a lot of emotional pain).  I literally cried the whole time I was in that office.  We were called back and they did another ultra sound, met with a counselor and finally met with the doctor who would do the procedure.  She was kind and understanding.  She actually gave me hope that we could one day have a healthy baby in a future pregnancy.  This whole experience sucked but at least the people who cared for me were VERY wonderful.  

My baby...

I chose to focus on my baby for the few days, hours I had with her.  I rubbed my belly a lot. I talked to her. I wrote her a letter and I created a memory box.  In the box I put the positive pregnancy tests, her ultra sound pictures, pictures the kids drew for her and her stuffed animal. I highly recommend this if you are going through this experience.  You will not regret it.   We also made arrangements with a funeral home to take her remains and have her cremated.  My husband arranged that as I was to devastated.  I also prayed a lot.  I begged God to take her.  He did not take her though so we had to go through with the procedure.

The procedure...

The next day, at 18 weeks, I went in to have what is called a D&E. That day they inserted something in my cervix to start the process.  I had this in overnight and it was incredibly painful.  Not only was I suffering from severe emotional pain, I was now in great physical pain and the pain medication they gave me did not touch it.  The next day I went in for the actual procedure.  I remember driving to the appointment and my husband was talking about random things like Howard Stern and it was irritating me!  But he was just trying to take my mind off of things.  He was so good to me through this whole thing.  He took care of me, us even though I know he was hurting as well.  Upon arrival it was not long before they took me back.  I remember being in the chair and feeling so alone.  Once again I prayed.  I asked my Grandparents, who had gone before me, to be there for her and take care of her until I can get there to take care of myself.  I now felt a wave of peace come over me and I was ready.  The procedure was done rather quickly and before I knew it I was in recovery.  Still heartbroken, and out of it, but it was done.

Recovery...

Physically this is something that is easy to recover from.  Within a couple of months you can start trying to conceive again if you want to.  Emotionally though, it is a very different story.  On February 9th, 2014 it will be the Angelversary for Lila Rose.  I don't know that I will ever get over the loss of my baby but after a year I am in a much better place.

In future posts I would like to share with you the ups and downs of the past year.  How I have tried to make sense of why this happened. My hope is that this blog will help other women going through this experience because I know there are many of you out there yet this is such a taboo subject that we are forced to suffer in silence.  I also hope that my story will open the minds of people, showing them a very different side of abortion.

~Christine