I'm Going to Press On

It’s no secret to my family and friends that #imwithher 

On November 8^th I was so excited.  My daughter and I took a picture together dressed in white (for Hillary and all the women before us that fought for our right to vote). I had sent in my ballot weeks before so all I had to do was wait till the evening to witness history being made.

Needless to say, I felt pretty devastated by the loss.  I know I am one of many but it was so shocking to me.  Never did I think America would vote a man like Trump in.  Never. For a moment it made me question the country I live in.  

To me, a Trump win meant that women/minorities/ LGBTQ community didn’t matter and that many of the rights our country had fought for, for so long, were in danger. And also that bullying, sexual abuse and name calling were now acceptable behavior since the president elect has done all of the above.   Scary stuff.

 I worry for all those who may lose their health care, who may be deported or jailed and for women (like me) needing to terminate a much wanted pregnancy for medical reasons but not having that option available to them.  My heart breaks just thinking about that.

In the end, I do hope that when the dust settles and he takes office, that my worries will be for nothing.  That rights will be protected and that good things will come.  That we will grow as a country and that we will remember who we are as a country.

In the words of our president…I’m going to press on.

For My Mom

Today is the anniversary of my mom’s death.  I can’t believe I have been 365 days without her.  After the initial shock of her illness and death wore off, I immediately realized life as I knew it would never be the same.  Time became known to me as before this and after.

Over this year I realized my mom was the glue that held the family together.   She was how my sister and I knew what was going on with my dad, aunts and uncles and cousins.  Without her, we are a bit lost.  I live far from my family so I sometimes feel forgotten.

I was reminded of all the ways she made time with her so special.  Every year we spent part of the summer with her in Michigan and she would take us all over the state.  She loved taking my kids to the lake, the park, the dollar store and so many other places.  She just spent time with them and loved them up every chance she got.  My youngest was only about 3 months when she passed away and my heart breaks knowing that he will not remember her. 

I also lost my biggest fan. My mom was the only person who cared about everything going on with me.  She cared about my day, my concerns, what I had for lunch, my health, my life, my kids….she believed in me and loved me unconditionally.  I know how special that was and how lucky I was to have that in her.  Even now, a year later, I still reach for the phone to text or call her.

I have learned a lot about grief....A lot more than I would have liked to, to be honest.  I realized that no one can take this pain away. No one can tell me how to deal with it.  Grief is an incredibly personal journey that we each take in our own way and in our own time.  I am not done grieving and I may never be.

  

I can honestly say that my mind still has not accepted that I will never see her again.  I really don’t think I ever will accept it and maybe it is because I see her in my son’s face, in the butterflies they fly around the front of our house,  the hummingbirds and the memories I have of her.

After my mom passed away I saw rainbows everywhere.  Even now, 365 days later I still see them This is in memory of her...

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

My Life is Forever Changed

9:50am Tuesday, November 3rd, 2015 changed my life forever.

I have always been close to my mom. Not in distance (I live in Phoenix and she in Michigan) but in heart. My mom really encouraged me, listened to me and supported me in everything I did from moving out west, to getting married (twice), divorced (only once) and having babies. She cared for all 3 of my children when they were first born.

After caring for my last baby in July she went home and wasn't feeling well. After waiting 5 (eff-ing) weeks to see her dr she was sent for ct scans, mri's and a pet scan to see what was causing her illness.

The news was not good. I heard it on speaker phone when she was at the oncologist office. Her cancer had come back but this time it was in the liver, lymph nodes and spine. Fuck. Not great news to hear on speaker phone when you can't give a hug but good to hide tears I guess.

They immediately admitted her to the hospital to have a surgeon look at the tumor on her spine. Good news - he can operate. Great, get that out, biopsy the type of cancer and treat it, right? Wrong. On the day of her surgery her labs came back and her numbers were bad. See she only has one kidney and now her liver was not functioning properly due to the cancer all over it so her one kidney started to shut down.

The doctors tried to get it functioning but it never went back to normal. 5 days after checking into the hospital for surgery she was sent home to be cared for by hospice. Life expectancy - days to weeks. We all were not ready for this but we knew we had to make each day/moment count.

On the ride home I messaged as many people as I could think of telling them what was happening and telling them to come and see her quick as we don't know how much time she had  left.

Family and friends started arriving shortly after we got her home. We set her up in her room, in her bed.

The first few days were amazing. She was able to spend time with all those that mattered to her. She told funny stories and let each of them know she loved them. The priest came and gave her the blessing of the sick and many came and prayed with her.

My sister and I spent a lot of time with her talking, caring for her, holding her hand and napping next to her. I was able to tell her just how great a mother I thought she was.  How I will spend the rest of my life trying to be as good a mom to my kids as she was to me. She told us we were doing a great job - I said that is because we learned from the best, from her taking care of us.

I left for Phoenix 3 days in to her being home. I had to get my baby to her. I arrived back in Michigan 2 days later with my baby and husband. She saw him, recognized him and he recognized her. As I held him close to her he kept inching closer to his grandma who I think he remembered had cared for him and loved him.

The next day things took a turn for the worse. She did very little talking, no eating and little drinking. She was dying.

Even though hospice nurses and aides came daily my sister and I did a lot of her care. Which was both meaningful and frightening. At this point we had to keep her comfortable. We did not want mom to be in pain.

The last night of her life my sister and I got up hourly to give her pain meds. I think we were slightly delirious but it was worth it for her to not feel pain.

The next morning I noticed her breathing was less and less. I called my family into her room and we were with her as she took her last breath. Her last breath was at 9:50am on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2015.

When she was gone there was a sense of peace. During the days leading up to her death it appeared that she was half in our world and half in the next. She was ready to move on and we had to let her go.

The funeral was a celebration of her life. We put up pictures, picked out beautiful flowers, Had people write memories on cards and gave forget me not seeds for people to plant in her memory.

I hoped she was looking down on us and feeling proud. She was the best person I have ever known and my life will not be the same without her.

My life changed forever at 9:50am on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2015.

My Rainbow is Here

It has been so long since I last wrote but my rainbow baby is here...and has been for 2 months.

Nate Jr

7/10/15

8 lbs 8 oz | 20.5 in

I look at him and can't believe that at 43 years old I was able to give birth to a healthy, beautiful baby boy. I struggle still to not question why the same was not true for my angel Lila but I have to believe that there is a plan and this was part of it.

Life has changed a lot since he arrived.  Our home has always been pretty crazy with 5 other kids but now we have a baby and it is a big difference.  The 2 youngest are no longer the babies of the house and I think that has been a bit of an adjustment for them.  Luckily the kids have all been pretty helpful and love him.

When I found out I was pregnant my first reaction was a little bit excitement but a ton of fear. Although I felt pretty good throughout my pregnancy it was the most stressful one I have ever had.  Every appointment, ultra sound and test I worried that something would be wrong.  But getting through it and holding him in my arms has truly given me a sense of peace and love.  He has brought a lot of healing to my heart. 

After losing Lila my husband was ready to get a vasectomy but I was not.  I asked him to wait just a bit till I was OK with not having another baby.  I was just about at that place when I found out I was pregnant.  After we got over the shock we were both absolutely thrilled to be having a baby. He truly is a gift to us. Our family is now complete.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

So here is the next chapter in my life....

Tuesday, November 11th

I realized according to my p tracker app that I was 4 days late. That is odd but heck, I'm 43 years old, early menopause maybe? I decided to pick up a test just in case. Before I took it I remember thinking...this is going to be a complete waste of a good test. Well, we received a big (potentially life changing) surprise....

Yes, that is a positive pregnancy test!  Holy s&$@!  This was completely unexpected.  My mind started racing.....I'm 43 old.  What were we thinking? Although, it's not like we were trying.  How did this happen?  I mean, I know but still.  And I am on drugs - Anti depressants and ADD meds. I drink alcohol...and caffeine....both probably more than I should.  I haven't been taking any vitamins. And let's not forget about what happened last time.

Deep breaths.

Ok, instead of calling my husband, I texted him...

Don't judge me - we both hate the phone.

Turns out, he was excited. Scared but excited. It's a baby and I have a good feeling about this, is what he said.  And he brought this home.  

A monkey for our monkey.  Love that man.

Immediately, took the vitamins and no more meds, caffeine or cocktails.  This is going to be super fun. 

Friday, November 11

After several days off my medications I was in pretty bad shape.  Luckily, I had an appointment already scheduled with my therapist for today.  I was a mess.  No hope, overwhelmed, feeling like I had the flu (withdrawal symptoms from one of the medications) etc.  She gave me some good news.  She "hoped" the symptoms would pass by Monday. That would be great.  She also reminded me to take it one day at a time.  Don't look so far ahead as that can be so overwhelming to your mind and that won't help my body feel better.  

So, that is what I am going to do.  I am going to focus on feeling better.  I am going to take my vitamins and be as healthy as I can be.  That is all I can do for this baby and myself, right?

Sunday, November 13

This girl is feeling so much better.  Thank G-O-D.  I could not go 9 months feeling like that.  Yuck.  My mood is still up and down (sorry honey) but physically I'm feeling so much better.

I indulged in hope today.  Hope that this pregnancy might turn into an actual baby.  This baby would be considered a Rainbow Baby.  What is a rainbow baby you may ask? It is a baby born after a loss of a previous child.  

Fast Forward.........

Wednesday, March 25th, 2015
I am now almost 24 weeks along with a due date on July 17, 2015.  The past few months have been nerve wracking.  I took many tests to be sure the baby was ok.  NT Scan - perfect.  MaterniT21 - normal.   AFP test - negative.  And too many ultrasounds to count.  All NORMAL :-)

First Appointment

Perinatal office
Our appointment here was exactly 2 years to the day that we went in and got the terrible news about Lila.  We were nervous but the baby measured normal.

...and we are having a boy!

Here I am at 20 weeks. 

Getting here has been really scary but I am feeling so good about where I am now.  At my age we would not have tried for another.  We are just lucky that God or the universe had other plans for us. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Did you know that October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day?  I didn't know there was such a thing until I became the 1 in 4  who has experienced a loss like this.  It certainly isn't fun being the '1'  but it is nice to know that I am not alone.

With every day, week, month that takes me further away from the day my daughter was born/died I heal a little bit more but I never forget her.  I see kids that are the age she would be and I think of her. How my life would be different, better, with her in it.  My kids still think about her too.  We go to Target a lot (did I say a lot!)  and they just have the cutest baby girl clothes, right?  My daughter Olivia often comments "Lila would have worn that" or "Lila would have been cute in that".  And she doesn't say it in a sad way but in a sweet, honest way.   And I just give her a hug and reply "Yes, she would have, Liv."

When I was pregnant with Lila, the day before I went in for the ultrasound that would tell us if she was ok or not, i saw a psychic (I know, a little out there).  I asked her what she could see with my daughter.  She said she did not see anything bad. She was strong, protected. She saw my daughter as being my best friend and that she would be with me till my end.  Of course, that was not true for Lila but what I came to believe is that perhaps what the psychic was seeing was my relationship with my beautiful daughter, Olivia.

On this October 15th, I ask that you take a moment to remember those who have experienced a loss like this.  And if you are a '1' know that you are not alone.  And maybe share your story with others - friends, family, coworkers.  You never know, you may be helping another '1' heal.

~Christine

  

What If

Happy Friday!  It's taken me about a week to think about the topic of this post and figure out what I wanted to write so here it goes...

July 11th...

I was sitting in the dentist office filling out paperwork.  While filling out forms I came across the date field, hmm what is today?  It was July 11th....7/11. July 11th was my due date.  It hit me that if Lila would have been born she would be a year old.  Wow, how different life would be with a one year old!

What if...

Even though I have come to a place of peace and acceptance on losing her, on anniversary dates like this I tend to think about the what ifs...
What if she would have been healthy like all our other kids?
What if we had opted to continue with the pregnancy only to have her die in my arms at birth?
What if her prenatal diagnosis was not fatal but she was able to live with disabilities?
What if I had never been pregnant with her at all?

Is one easier than another....

I have read many stories from women who have terminated their pregnancies for various medical reasons. I remember t a women talking about the topic of a "Gray Diagnosis" meaning, it was not fatal, the child could live but with disabilities.   She had a gray diagnosis and wished it would have been fatal, as making the decision to terminate may have been easier.  I had a fatal diagnosis and honestly, I'm not sure it was easier.  I prayed (begged/pleaded) for God to take my baby, to not have to make a decision.  He did not.

Then there are women who miscarry and just wish they could have carried their child longer.  Or the mothers that go to their 20+ week check up only to find out the babies heart stopped beating. Unfortunately, all of these scenarios SUCK. Bad.  I doubt one way of losing a baby is easier than another...just different.

As mother's all we want is for our children to be ok. We want to take care of them, protect them from pain and we will do anything we can for them....even before they are born.

Support...
People have been very kind to me and supportive of my decision for Lila.  In the beginning of this journey I did not want to talk about it but when I started opening up, it was amazing how many women have experienced this loss.  Knowing that others are in the same boat is sad but in a strange way comforting.  If you are just starting this journey, when/if you are ready, I encourage you to talk about it.  Please don't keep the feelings in.  You may never know who you are helping by sharing your story.

  

~Christine